): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
