I accidentally had phone sex last night
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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