Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
