Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
