We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
