You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
