One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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