my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
