I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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