Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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