I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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