Church boner. Awkwardddd
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
