Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
