I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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