who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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