It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize