me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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