Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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