Umm I'm too high to move.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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