I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
