He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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