is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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