I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
