i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
