I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
