I am puke
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
