I faked an abortion last night.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
