Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
