how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
