He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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