morning after pill = breakfast in bed
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
