when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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