"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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