nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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