last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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