just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
