Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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