Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
