she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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