Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
