Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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