I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
