my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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