Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
