honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
