I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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