Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i think i have two assholes
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
