my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
someone owes me an orgasm
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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