last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
