when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I intend to get homeless drunk
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Drunk is a universal language darling
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
